Beyond the Gate and Further
by Gothic Spook
Summary: Chap 3 up! Talk show with Stargate SG1 and Stargate Atlantis. Everything you ever wanted to see happen, and all the things that they didn’t want you to know about them. Gothic spook and CharmingStar come together to put the character on the spot. Lots of
1. Love Interests

Beyond The Gate ... And Further  
Author: Gothic Spook (Nicola) and CharmingStar (Alex)  
Rating: PG-13 just to be safe.  
Category: We don't know... (Pretends to ponder) ... HUMOUR!  
Summery: Most of the characters over all Stargate and Stargate Atlantis seasons are here. Everything you ever wanted to see happen, and all the things that they didn't want you to know about them. Gothic spook and CharmingStar come together to put the character on the spot ... lots of name calling, bitch fights, punching, yelling, embarrassing moments ... basically all the products of two friend' strange minds ... our minds (evil laughter).  
Disclaimer: If you recognise it, we do not own it!  
Spoilers: Everything just to be safe!  
Archive: Anywhere that wants it, just e-mail us and let us know!  
Feedback: Love it, always welcome!  
Dedication: Our school for having the day off due to snow where we started to write this :)

Part 1

"Whoa, look at the arse on him!"

"Nicola, try and stay focused, we have a show to do, keep your eyes off of the cameraman, especially his arse." Alex says as she steps in front of Nicola's view.

"Five minutes people." Steve the director called out.

"Ok, thanks Steve! Oh my god I can't wait to see Daniel!" Alex said as she flushes.

"Jonas is way cuter." Nicola argued.

"Daniel."

"Oh come on! Daniel died! That is just sick!"

"Which makes him oh so much cuter."

"Jonas!"

"Daniel!"

"Jonas!"

The director calls them over on to the set and the argument fades as they take their places ready to begin.

Meanwhile backstage in SG-1's dressing room...

"Why the hell did we agree to do this?" Jack shouted at no one in particular as he looked at himself in the mirror.

"Well it can't possibly be that bad." Daniel calmly replies as he puts on his jacket.

"Did you see Nicola and her X-Files talk show? She embarrassed the hell out of them!"

"No I didn't, but it can't be as bad as you're making it out to be." Daniel answered.

"She bought their moms out with BABY PICTURES!" Jack practically yelled.

"You can't be serious, well what happened to the guests afterwards?" Sam said now very afraid of what was yet to come.

"Do I look I'm kidding?" It was a rhetorical question. "They all ended up in therapy, and its worst this time!" Jack said with fear clearly present in his voice.

"How so?" Jonas asked.

"She has her friend with her, and they are just as insane as each other."

"Ah crap." Sam said now thinking that this is the worst thing that they could have ever agreed on doing.

"Ok we are ready for you know." Called Steve as he opened the door to their dressing room. "And you better hurry the girls are already arguing."

"And that's not good?" Sam asked as she walked out of the dressing room, following Steve.

"Well the saying leading the lambs to the slaughter comes to mind." Steve says as he leads them towards the set.

"Oh this is so not good." Jack says as he follows the rest.

Back on set...

Steve walks next to the cameraman and calls to the girls.

"Ok ladies we are on in 5...4...3...2...1."

"Hello and welcome to our show 'Beyond the gate...'" Alex started

"And further. We have an exciting show for you today, everything you wanted to see happen."

"And everything THEY didn't want you to see will be revealed. Now lets bring out the guests. First we have Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Samantha Carter." Alex announced. As Jack and Sam made their way to their seats there were a lot of wolf whistles for Jack, who were mostly old women who were fans of MacGuyver.

"Next we have Jonas Quinn, Dr Daniel Jackson and Teal'c... who doesn't seem to have a surname." Nicola announced. All the women in the audience, and even a few men, were screaming their names. Nicola and Alex turn to the audience,

"Hey, back off they're ours!" Everyone shuts up as they see that they mean business, as the men of SG-1 give each other a look of total fear. Nicola and Alex turn back to the guests smiling sweetly, almost evilly.

"Now what shall we talk about first?" Alex pretends to ponder.

"Oh wait I know... Love interests." Nicola suggests evilly to Alex.

"Ok now lets start this with the most up and down love interest in the entire series of Stargate ... Jack and Sam." Alex announces as cheers erupt from the audience.

"Crap." Jack and Sam said in unison.

"Your relationship is forbidden but that is what makes it so interesting. When would say it all began." Nicola asked

"We don't what you're talking about." They said way to quick to be believable.

"Oh don't play dumb with us, we know what you're feeling." Alex replied rolling her eyes.

"How the hell would you know?" Jack asked

"We know everything." The two girls replied in unison with evil grins plastered on their faces. Jack and Sam' faces paled considerably.

"Okay, now back to topic, when would you say it all began ... Jack?" Nicola asked, he didn't answer straight away but gave into the looks that they were giving him.

"Okay! Okay, I would have to say that it would had to have begun when she was had to wear that blue dress on the planet Simarka where women were slaves, and oh that tank top when she became primitive..." He says as he closes his eyes and fantasises.

"EW!" Sam yells out "You said you didn't remember anything." He yells at Jack.

"I lied." He replies, still with his eyes closed

"Ok Jack open your eyes, you're starting to drool ... SOMEBODY GET THE DROOL BUCKET!" Nicola shouted to not anyone in particular and a bucket was placed at Jacks feet. He opens his eyes, sees the bucket and gives her a sarcastic look. "Don't give that look buddy, you were drooling." Nicola stated

"Was not!" Jack defended.

"She is correct O'Neill, I saw some of your saliva on your chin." Teal'c backed Nicola up.

"Okay, we're getting off topic here." Alex says. "Your relationship has grown throughout the entire series, why don't you just confess to each other how you really feel right now?"

"Uh ... Sam ... I know it's against regulations but ... I... well ... I ... um ... love you." The audience go aaw. Sam is a little shocked ... but she soon gets over that.

"I love you too." And with that they instantly fall into each others arms and their lips are instantly drawn to one another's in a long passionate kiss.

"Oh for goodness sake! Couldn't you have waited until the commercial break?" Alex yells, they instantly pull apart and sit back down, breathing heavily from the emotions that kiss stirred up. "Now another popular love interest but not often shown on screen but talked about quite a lot off screen... well everybody loves it... except me" Alex mumbles under her breath.

"Lets bring out our next guest." Nicola yelled. "Dr Janet Jackso ... Fraiser!"

"Oh she wishes." Alex muttered under her breath as she as stomped and sat down in her chair crossing her arms like a little child who didn't get what she wanted. Janet came on stage, smiling, and sat down on one of the empty chairs.

"Ok, welcome Janet... umm... Alex are you gonna help me with the questions?" Nicola asked noticing Alex sitting in the corner sulking like a little child.

"No, I'm not, I'm gonna sit here and wait for Janet to say that she doesn't like Daniel. Look Janet I think you're great, I cried like a baby when you died, but Daniel is mine." She said standing up.

"Umm, well thanks. I think" Janet said looking confused.

"Ok well Janet, do you like Daniel?" Nicola asked.

"Well I do like Daniel but there were always some problems between us, first my strict commitments at the SGC, and then Cassandra, but then there was also Daniel's commitments. You know like always being off world, getting knocked unconscious, dieing, ascending, coming back, then ascending again, these are all things that could ruin a relationship. Oh and his over obsession with coffee." Janet explained.

"I do not have a coffee obsession!" Daniel exclaimed looking outraged, obviously in denial.  
"Daniel, we left two jars of coffee granules in the dressing room for you lot to make coffee with. We saw you on the monitors EATING both jars without even putting the kettle on. If that is not obsessment I don't know what is!" Nicola clarified.

"Ok thank you Janet for coming in, we will let you go and enjoy your afterlife now." Alex said happier with the developments.

"Ok then, bye bye." Janet replied then disappeared in a mystical white light. Alex then turned to Daniel.

"Now Daniel, why are you so damn HOT?" She asked.

"Um ... I..." Daniel stutters a little stunned.

"Cough Jonas Cough." Nicola subtly interrupts Daniel.

"Daniel!"

"Jonas!"

"DANIEL BITCH!"

"JONAS WHORE!" Alex punches Nicola and she retaliates by slapping Alex hard across the cheek. They roll around the floor, fighting over who is fitter. While Jack is a little bit taken back by the fact that he has not been included in this fight.

"HEY! What about me?" He asked, interrupting them.

"Well we both think you're hot, so we don't need to fight over that." Alex turns back to Nicola; Alex has her hands around her throat. "DANIEL!"

"Ladies! LADIES! BREAK it up!" Steve yelled. "We have a show to do!" Then he indicates silently that there is a break in a couple of minutes. Nicola and Alex get up off of the floor and stand in front of the camera.

"Thank you for watching the first part of the show, stay tuned for more after the commercial break." Alex says.

"And remember, if you have any topic requests or questions you want answered don't hesitate to call in with your requests. See you after the break."

"And CUT!" Steve yells.

"JONAS!" Nicola yells and punches Alex; they continue their fight from before.

"Now all we're missing is the mud." Jack comments as he looks on at the two hosts fighting.

"Hey Jack, you know how they told us to wait for the commercial break?" Sam asks, licking her lips seductively. Jack grabbed her hand and pulled her into the dressing room, locking the door behind him.

Nicola gets up off of the floor before Alex has a chance to pull her down again.

"First Doggett and Reyes, now Jack and Sam, What is it and the dressing room?" She turns her attention to the dressing room. "YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES BEFORE I GO AND GET THE HOSE ... AND YOU KNOW I MEAN IT!"


	2. Enemies I

Part 2  
"Welcome back to the show, is everyone back in their seats ready to begin? Let's see, we have Teal'c, Jonas, Daniel, Ja... Where are Jack, and Sam?" Alex says as she looks around.

"Oh not again!" Nicola groans. "I'm not even going to give them a warning this time." Nicola mutters under her breath as she pulls the hose from the set and walks towards the dressing room. She opens the door and quickly turns it on full blast.

"OH WHAT THE..." Everyone hears Jack yell before it is drowned out by the water. Nicola turns the hose off after a couple of moments and gives them a very angry look.

"I said two minutes, you have had five minutes. The show started two minutes ago, you should have been there three minutes ago, now GET YOUR ARSES BACK IN YOUR GOD DAMN SEATS!" Nicola screams as they quickly leg it to their seats. Jonas leans over to Daniel.

"Was that English?"

"No, actually that was Nicola's language for they better get back quickly or she is going to kill them." Alex explains calmly after over hearing their conversation.

Jack and Sam by now had found their way back to their seats and Nicola is now back in her place next to Alex.

"Moving on, let's bring up the next topic ... Enemies." Nicola announces in a very cheery voice, as everyone on the stage groans loudly.

"Over the years you have had a lot of enemies, your first one in the series was probably the biggest pain in your arse, so as a treat we have him here for you... Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for... (Excruciating long pause)... Apophis." Alex announces. 

"WHAT? No he is dead we killed him ... twice ... three times ... maybe more ... I've lost count ... the point is he is dead." Jack screams.

"Not anymore, he is here today for your entertainment." Nicola says.

"Entertainment? You mean for our torture," He replies.

"Oh yeah ... sorry... for your torture and our entertainment." Nicola says with an evil smile.

Everyone turns their head to the side of the stage to see Apophis walking in with three of his serpent guards following closely behind. He was decked out in his normal gold suit and the extreme amount of make-up. 

"Oh look its goldilocks and the three gold bears." Nicola says in a sing song voice.

"Bow down to your god!" Apophis ordered Nicola. Nicola gave him the not-a-chance-in-hell look.

"I don't think so buddy. Sit your snake arse down and drop your pets of somewhere else." She said pointing to the three serpent guards. Apophis sat down immediately, simply because he had never seen anything as scary as the girls in front of him.

"He never did that for us. How did you do that?" Jack asks amazed. 

"Watch and learn, you'll go far." Nicola answered. 

"Okay, can we get back to the show now please?" Alex asked.

"Sure, fine, whatever." Nicola says. "Now Apophis why do you hate SG-1 and Earth so much?"

"I don't actually know, they're just always there. You'd think that killing me once would be satisfying enough, but no they kill a second time, but then they decide to do it again. You know some people could take that very personally, and I have feelings you know. There are two life forms in me, two times the emotion, I don't need the stress of people trying kill me, I mean doesn't anybody care?" Apophis whines on the verge of tears.

Nicola and Alex share a look and then turn back to look at Apophis.

"No." They say in unison. Apophis looks at them in shock for a moment with a hand over his heart before he jumps up and runs off the stage in tears towards the bathroom, the door slams shut after him.

"O...K. Big bad Apophis just ran off the stage ... Like a sissy girl." Alex says in confusion.

Nicola turns to SG-1.

"It took you guys four seasons to kill that guy and we had him in tears in two minutes, what's the deal with that?"

"What is the deal with that? HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO IT?" Jack asked once he came out of his shock in seeing Apophis crying.

"Sheer talent." Nicola replies. "Okay on to the current snake head. He has only been in it for a while now but seems to be pissing you off pretty good ... everyone please welcome Annubis." Nicola announces. A big figure walks in wearing the long black cloak and the mask. He looked like a cross between the grim reaper and Darth Vader, heavy breathing included. SG-1's faces were priceless.

"Bow down to me lowly humans." Annubis demanded

"Whoa Darth Vader we're the hosts here we hand out the demands. SIT YOUR ARSE DOWN!" Alex demanded. Annubis sat down while Nicola looked on in wonder.

"What is it with you guys and bowing? When you meet someone you don't go 'bow down to me' you say hi or hello or at least grunt in response, you don't get all ordery and order people to bow, that's just rude." Nicola explained while SG-1 were once again in shock to how these two could get the two hardest system lords to reduce to tears and to shut them up so quickly.

"So SG-1 why does Annubis piss you off so much?" Nicola asks the team.

"Well where do we start? He started by blocking our gate, then trying to kill us every opportunity he got and now he has these super soldiers that are just ack!" Sam says ranting.

"And don't forget that he probed my mind with that little ball thing that had these spikes in them... and it hurt." Jonas wines.

"Oh come on! All I want to do is take over your puny little planet, not a big deal." Annubis replies in a voice that doesn't really suit the look of the grin reaper.

"What's the big deal? Are you kidding? Oh it isn't just our puny planet that you want, it is ours and every other planet in the whole frickin' universe as well." Jack reminds him.

Annubis stands up and his normal voice is back in place.

"I will destroy you!" He threatened.

"Oh no you wont, if anyone is going to do any destroying around here it is going to be us." Nicola tells him

"Sadly that is all we have time for, join us after the commercial break for more enemies because they have made so many we couldn't fit them all in this part. Please remember to call in with your topic requests and we will see you after the break." Alex says

"And CUT! Great guys, we have three minuets then we are back." Steve calls around the set. 

"Hey Annubis!" Nicola calls to get his attention. 

"Yes?"

"Get the hell off our stage." She tells him as she points towards the exit door.

"Oh ... Okay." Annubis replies as he turns to leave without even a little fight.

"How the hell do you girls do that first Apophis...?" Jack started before he was interrupted by Alex.

"Oh God Apophis, is he still in the toilet?"

"Yeah, someone just checked and the door is still locked so he's still in there crying." Steve informed her.

"Well get him outta there, he'll make a mess. That's all we need, a stupid, gold loving freak messing up our toilets."


	3. Enemies II

Part 3  
"Ok guys we have two minutes." Steve called around the set.

"Hey Steve, did you manage to get goldilocks outta the toilet." Nicola asked

"We did eventually, we had to lay down a trail of gold necklaces towards the exit and out to his spaceship, that guy likes gold way too much!" Steve explains before going over to the cameramen. 

Meanwhile SG-1 are sitting in their places ...

"Is there any way that we can get out of this?" Jack asked.

"It isn't really that bad if you think about it." Jonas says looking over to Nicola.

"Oh yeah I totally agree with Jonas on that." Daniel agrees while doing the same and looking over to Alex. The two girls were laughing over a shared joke.

"Get your eyes off of the hosts, just because they love you so damn much doesn't mean they love the rest of us." Sam says with bit of jealousy.

"This is going to be a very long and painful day." Jack said as he buried his head into his hands.

"Okay people, back to your places." Steve yelled. 

"Welcome back to the show, we are continuing with our topic enemies. In the last part we saw Apophis..."

"Who ran off in tears" Nicola interrupted Alex.

"And Anubis who's head was so big we had to cut the door open to get him out. To begin with we have probably the bitchiest goa'uld ever ... please welcome HATHOR!" Alex introduced as Daniel let out a less than manly squeal, his face went pale and he looked like he was going to pass out. Hathor walked onto the set and went over to sit next to Daniel who was at the end of the row.

"Hey, no! You over there bitch!" Alex ordered pointing to a chair the furthest away from Daniel.

Hathor obeyed, reluctantly, and sat down. She kept glancing towards Daniel and Alex was sending death glares towards her, if looks could kill…

"O ... K, Sam as you are the only women here tell me, what do you think of Hathor?" Nicola.

"Well, she made all the males on the base go more mad than usual, she used Daniel's DNA to help her make hundreds of Goa'uld larva, and she turned Jack into a frickin' Jaffa, so you wanna know what I think of her? ... Bitch with a capital B." Sam stated her opinion.

"Hathor why do you like Daniel so much?" Nicola asked with a sickly smile. 

"Well he was the first one that trusted us before they knew what we were. He was the one we chose to use for our children and he is our belov..."

"Okay stop right there, we don't want any kind of visual of you and him in love. Daniel what do you think of Hathor?" Alex asked.

"I hate her!" Daniel replied instantly

"Now that is a good answer!" Alex yelled 

"Okay thank you Hathor for joining us but we..." Nicola started.

"NO! I will not leave, I have to work my spell on the men and then reign as queen of this world." She gets up and starts to walk towards the audience

"Hey, no. There will be no taking over the world from this studio and on OUR show. Now GET OUTTA HERE!" Nicola yelled, she turned to Steve, gave him a silent signal to stop Hathor and to get security.

The guards came and dragged Hathor of the stage kicking and screaming, but before the guard could react she breathed on him with her gas that makes him go all googly eyes on her.

"Destroy them." Hathor ordered, he instantly charged towards Nicola, who got into a fighting stance and as soon as he was close enough slammed her fist into his face. He instantly fell to the floor unconscious.

"Sorry Jake." Nicola said as she realised she's hurt her friend, she bent down to the unconscious man on the floor as she took out a tissue from her pocket and held it against his bleeding nose.

Alex looked from the man who had tried to hurt her friend to Hathor, the one who set him on Nicola.

"Hey BITCH! No one sets a hypnotised security guard on my best friend!" Alex runs to her and instantly pushes her to the floor. They role around punching, slapping, kicking and biting each other. Hathor digs her nails into Alex's arm but quickly pulls it back and stands up as she hears a horrible sound.

"AHHHH! Oh my God. You ... You ... You broke my nail!" She held up her hand and showed Alex a nail with a crack in it.

"Broke your nail? Whatever, that goes to show what happens when you mess with me or my friends ... and Daniel! Now get out of here before I ... Break your other nails!" Alex threatened; Hathor looked on in horror and ran as quickly as she could off the stage. Alex had threatened her nails, Hathor needed to keep away from her from now on. Alex turned back to Nicola. "Is Jake okay? Did you kill another person?"

"I've never killed anyone!" She said holding her finger up pointedly.

"What about on your X Files talk show 'The Truth Is Here'?"

"All I did was send two men to the hospital, one had passed out from terror and the other had been attacked by a vicious dog. The others just got extremely embarrassed. So no I have never killed anyone." Nicola explained. "And Jake has a broken nose; he's at the hospital now getting it fixed."

"As long as you didn't kill him." Alex turned to the guests. "Okay now on with the show, our next guest is kind of strange as we really don't have any idea what it is, but anyway please welcome a REPLICATOR!" Alex announced as SG-1 stood up in shock and a little spider thing scuttled on to the set.

"AHHHHH! ... ITS A MINI ROBOT SPIDER!" Nicola screamed as she jumped into Jonas's arms. Alex looks down and then back up.

"What the heck is that thing?" Alex yells over to Steve.

"Alex that is the guest." He told her as calmly as possible.

"Ohhh... right. They look so much bigger and so much more lethal on TV." She bends down and start stroking it. "Who's a cute little robotic killer spider?" She continues with baby talk.

"Alex ... don't ... taunt ... the ... replicator." Steve told her firmly. Alex stood back up.

"Why? What's it going to do, replicate?" Alex says as it jumps up on to her leg. "Ewwww! Get it off me! ... Get it off me!" She shouts as she shakes her leg and it falls back on the floor, slowly walking towards her. "Take this!" She drops her heels into the middle of it and it smashes into millions of pieces. "Okay someone get a broom. Nic you can get down now, it's gone." She says looking over to Nicola who was still comfortable in Jonas' arms.

"No I'm good thanks!" She shouts back as she snuggles deeper into Jonas' embrace.

"I don't mind." Jonas replied as he held onto her tighter.

"Jonas put her down now." Jack orders but neither Jonas or Nicola move. Alex turns to Jack.

"Jack, get her out of his arms right now or I will bring your parents on this show." Alex threatens.

"You wouldn't." Jack and all the other guests look at Alex in horror.

"Oh I would, and you know it." Alex answer. Jack gives her a nervous smile and then slowly turns to Jonas, he quickly takes out his side arm. 

"JONAS PUT HER DOWN RIGHT NOW OR I WILL SHOOT YOU WHERE YOU STAND." Jack shouted. He had the gun aimed and ready. Jonas reluctantly puts Nicola down.

"Party poopers." Nicola and Jonas mutter under their breaths.

"Will you just get over here please!" Nicola stomped over to where Alex was standing. 

"O...k join us after the break for more, and remember if you have any topic requests don't hesitate to call/review in with them."

"Cut." Steve shouted. He walked over to Alex and Nicola who were standing over the replicator blocks. "You know the people that lent us that could sue us?"

"Yeah, well it became a health hazard.' Nicola replied.

"Yeah, and who the hell would rent out those things anyway?" Alex asked.


End file.
